America

- Por que você não critica os EUA em vez de criticar o Brasil-tum-tum-tum? - me questionam os brasucas chorões.
- Critico. Majoritariamente o faço ao lidar com americanos, da mesma forma que critico o Brasil ao lidar com brasileiros.

Qual seria o ponto de recorrer a americanos para criticar o que há de ser criticado no Brasil, no brasileiro? Criticar pode ser uma ferramenta de grande utilidade, uma válvula de escape; que merda seria se não pudéssemos nos expressar, se precisássemos aparentar satisfação com o insatisfatório.

O valor maior do criticar está, entretanto, no inspirar questionamento, gerar protestos, lutar por melhorias e, quiçá, alcançá-las. Isso é óbvio, eu sei, daí meu espanto quando acham que eu deveria poupar brasileiros de encararem a realidade de merda do Brasil e focar nos problemas de outros países. Especialmente dos EUA, país que conquistou tanta birrinha mimada por parte de brasucas.

Enfim, como disse aqui, vez ou outra estarei postando textos em inglês, pois não estou afim de traduzi-los. Ainda que quisesse traduzir, *esse* aqui precisaria ser mantido no inglês, já que meu público alvo, nesse caso, é o americano.

Escrito em Julho de 2007, vide original.

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Sometimes people misunderstand America.

We must agree this is indeed a fearful world for those who inhabit this beautiful nation - land of the free, home of the brave, the US of A !

You just never know what could be around the corner, you can never be cautious enough, after all, those weird people who talk differently and wear those tacky outfits - the evil doers... they are very envious of americans' freedom and won't rest until they do a lot of harm.

Americans are understandably afraid of scary things like unexpected favors, genuine talking and fearful things such as a stranger showing off kindness or inapropriate smiling, which usually happens in a puzzling way, out of the blue and it certainly has a catch!

I have to confess: I am a foreigner from Brazil, which is where the Amazon and all those jumpy indians are located. We are all funny little people, smiley and cute. We speak weird and oddly enough, it is not spanish - it is another language, from Poland or Pakistan I guess, some country with P. It should be spanish though, after all, we are from a country down there. We all look the same. Basically everybody from Mexico below, all those little latino countries full of latino people: Mexico, Equator, Turkey and Brazil, it is all the same. We are a a bit smelly, because all we do, all day long, is jumping and humping. We all dance some very graphic dances and talk weird, different than in America. We are all short and dark, there isn't really much variety, the most we get is a range from brown rice to black olives skin. Yes, there are some actual caucasian people living down there, but they are not really from there, everybody knows for sure that probably their great grandparents came from Europe as missionaries to convert us indians, so they are actually different.

It is easy to understand that we may cause some desperation on Americans, I will give a good example:

I am a photographer and last week I was speaking to a co-worker, she is american and I am a foreigner, which can be puzzling sometimes, I know.

She has an adorable granddaughter named Brenda and I offered to take some pictures of little Brenda, the dialogue was the following:

(d) - Martha, I would love to shoot some pictures of your granddaughter, Brenda. She´s really cute...

(she got stiff... how careless was I... I should have known better not to approach people in such a scary way, after all, I was talking about a serious matter, taking pictures, registering her graddaughter's image)

(a) - Oh, ... ........ oh ......, ..... do you have a camera?

(d) - Yes

(a) - Oh.... , .... you want to take a picture of Brenda?

(d) - Yes, I think I could do a lovely portfolio of her, maybe in the park! I´m a photographer, you know!?

(her tone of voice chaged noticeably, she was right - I was probably approaching her in an either aggressive or inapropriately nice way)

(a) - How much you want to charge?

(d) - Nothing, I just thought she is gorgeous and we could do...

(that's when the fear factor kicked in - I could see anguish in her eyes and she was absolutely right: why would one out of the blue offer to take free pictures of her granddaughter? why? there must be a catch. I talk weird and I am from one of those primitive countries down there, I could easily be a sex offender and photograph her granddaughter for child pornography! Well, maybe that wouldn't really be possible, for the park is usually full of kids and their pets. But you know what? I could be not only a sex offender doing child pornography but be a group-sex child pornography offender! All those kids in the park... or maybe something even scarier, all those pets - you just never know! She was surely right to fear me)

(a) - Oh, I don't think so

(silence)

(a) - I don't think so, not a good idea.

(d) - Oh, ok

(a) - We take her to Walmart every Christmas to do Christmas cards, it's ok.

Another really unhealthy and harmfull habit I have is to smile. Sometimes I forget it is selfish to go around smiling, for there could easily be bad, evil and lavish intentions behind my smiles. It is totally understandable the reaction a co-worker had when I worked in a Deli, in Montana. I walked in, stamping a huge and scary smile on my face, when Chris replied:

(a) - Why are you smiling?

(I kept smiling, unaware smiling was not only unnecessary but offensive as well)

(d) - I don't know... I am happy!

(a) - You always do that

(d) - Do what?

(a) - You come to work smiling like that... and you know I hate this job.

I also worked for a bank in southern California. It was December and people were attaching christmas cards to the employees´ message board, I thought it would be nice to make an individual christmas card to each of my co-workers, instead of a general, impersonal one. I carelessly followed my desire and gave them each a card.

That was not a good idea. My boss had me go to her office and have a talk. By looking at her facial expression I could tell I had done something very, very bad.

She told me that the message board had a purpose and I had neglected that. Why did I want to individually wish Merry Christmas to my colleagues? Totally unnecessary... and she was absolutely right! There is no need to personalize my wishes.

Also I could easily be writing them about an evil conspiration against the Bank, that is very possible, for you just never know what goes inside a foreigner's mind (or alien's mind, as we are referred to by INS - my greencard states my id, my ALIEN#), we can be very tricky and scary beings. And there is always the anthrax threat, being as envious as we are about american's freedom, I could be sending individual christmas cards with anthrax in each one of them!

As I write this journal, I close my eyes and meditate for a second...

I am so thankful I live in this country! This is the land where the good and brave are, as long I live here I will always be safe. I know that because our president Bush said so. I know I am blessed for having this opportunity to live surrounded by Americans. My days here are really fun, filled with excitement. I have my own car, a Subaru which is ok but obviously can't be compared to a FORD or CHRYSLER, or any of those really reliable american brands, but it is ok for now, I will definetely get an American car someday! I wake up early in the morning and I don't have to waste my time fixing breakfast, it only takes 1 minute and 25 seconds to warm a frozen cheesy omelet in the microwave (microwaves are heating machines we have here in America). I look out of my bedroom window and all I see is beauty, civilization, cool cars, cool buildings... all so cool and hightech here. Then I drive to the library and read a little and sometimes I even meet guys at the library! American guys are a lot of fun, really hot and charming. Sometimes I smile at them and they automaticaly hit on me, for I can only want to hump them since I am smiling out of the blue. They approach me in very creative and irresistible ways. As they talk to me, they shake a little sometimes. There is a mixture of fear and hunger in their eyes, they don't drool but I can tell they are in anguish and want to do all sorts of evil things to me, which is understandable... I probably gave them the 'green light' to have those kind of thoughts - I smiled! Then they pour out their charming ways, really hard to resist, I must say. They ask where I am from, cause they can tell I have an accent. I explain I am from Brazil. Again, they threat to drool and the anguish is clear. As soon as the word Brazil is heard, they start shuttering words such as CARNAVAL, MULATAS, AMAZON... and they always say brazilian women are sooooooo hot, I feel very priviledged to hear that. And then I am questioned how brazilian am I really? 100%, I explain. They get very confused, which is understandable since I am white and wear regular clothing! And it goes like that, it is all very sexy, american men are great! Hanging out with friends here is the best! We go to a bar and we drink like pigs... really cool, huh? We drink and talk very loud, that's when we get wild and flirt a lot, let our bodies move and say the funniest things ever! Sometimes we go to the movies, that is a lot of fun too. I love Julia Roberts and Ben Affleck, they are the best! I also crave Jennifer Lopez, she is super talented... have you seen "Wedding Planner"? That's a two thumbs up! She also sings and dances soooooo well. Oh, I could go and on about music... I love 'N Sync and Britney Spears! Britney is everything and her hubby, Federline, oh my gosh! He is soooooooooo hawt!

Anyway. I am sure blessed to live in the US of A !

Glossary:

(a) - american

(d) - danger